my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
