How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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