yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
