I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
