there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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