I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
