Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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