Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
