i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
