please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
