god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
