if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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