One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
