the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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