Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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