I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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