Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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