You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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