Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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