Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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