so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
