I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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