Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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