i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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