so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
