she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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