I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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