I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
