Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
