so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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