matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
