You can't motorboat a personality
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
