Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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