She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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