I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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