I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
