in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
