Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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