Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
don't judge my taste in strippers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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