Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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