then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
