My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the day after is always just damage control
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
