made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
