Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
