We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
