If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
