walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
