I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
