and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
