You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
not ubering you a puppy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
