i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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