Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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