the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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