If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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