Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
