And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
