Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
