Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
