Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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